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Government Intimidation For My Entertainment

Uncle Sam makes me laugh, not in a Ha-Ha chuckle sort of way, but rather the deep bellyfull, shaking with giddiness, booming, rolling on the floor laughing, laugh. I say this after having a short chat with, apparently my own personal “Kirby Vaccuum” Salesman. Why do I equate my samesman to the Feds? Because he was a Fed, and the entire event ranks as one of the most tyrannical events in my life as well as one of the most entertaining.

A few years back I actually worked for the FBI, held a secret clearance, and interacted with Federal Agents. I have been to the Clarksburg FBI Headquarters and have spent too much time with Feds. I say this only for the purpose of clarifying my background. So, when I meet a Fed, even out of uniform, I can tell. Feds have a certain walk, a certain attitude, and a certain look and mannerisms that scream Federal Agent.

Event Zero

I arrive home on Friday (03/08/2013) after work, having had the city police camped outside my home most of the day before, which is very odd as the police are never camped out in my neighborhood…no potential for speeding tickets. Luckily I left the side door open and saw a nice silvered Crown Victoria pull up right in front of my home. The driver, an older gentleman wearing a pristine suit, remains in the car while his passenger, heavily tattooed and wearing a flannel inspired by “Larry the Cable Guy,” gets out of the car, walks up onto the porch, and starts looking in my front windows.

I come out and ask him how I can help him…already suspicious because of his thuggish look and prying behavior. He tells me he is from the Kirby Vacuum Cleaner Company and the owner (who is supposed to be the guy in the car who is now on his laptop) is planning on opening a store in town. He asks me a couple questions about me, but in a very aggressive and somewhat hostile manner. His eyes are cold and scan everything, looking at me periodically, but more interested in the inside of the house. I tell him my name and phone number (information easily garnered from the Internet anyway) and he spells my name correctly.

At this point there is a Big Red Flag waving in the air. No one EVER spells my name correctly, because it is not the common spelling. The salesman, or Larry as I refer to him, keeps twitching, trying to put his hand on his hip, on a gun that isn’t there. Throughout this entire exchange my spider-sense is tingling, picking up on Lie after Lie after Lie after Lie. Finally he tries to gain access to the inside of my home and I sent him away.

What happens next tells me more about “Them” than anything. They left. Larry gets back into the car and drives off. This “Salesman” was not interested in my neighbors, who were outside and have visible wealth (unlike me), they didn’t go down the street and try to sell their vacuums…they just pulled up to my home, give me an unconvincing flim-flam song and dance, and immediately left the area.

Of course at this point my interest is piqued, so I look up the Kirby website, do a little research about this Owner from Washington PA, and discover…they lied. Kirby does not sell via brick and mortar stores. Kirby is sold via direct sales and door-to-door salesmen. That’s it. Additionally, there is no Washington PA store or owner. The fact that Larry talked, walked, behaved, and smelled like a ‘roid-headed Fed clinched it.

I have finally made it! I have a following inside the Federal Government! Awesome…

Bumper Patrol

The Bumper Patrol is a Law Enforcement intimidation tactic designed to “inform” the individual that Law Enforcement is aware of you and will be keeping their eyes on you. It is designed to be intimidating, to induce fear or violence from the intended victim. It is an investigative tactic to essentially say “sit down and shut up or you will be dealt with.”

This type of intimidation should truly be defined as comedy. Seriously? The Federal Government dislikes my writings to such a great extent that I get personal attention? To this I can only say “Grow some balls!” Either I am a threat or I am not. I can guarantee that if Amerika continues down the road that we have been sprinting down at breakneck speed, I will be eventually. We all will be…eventually.

Know that I had a certainty that Larry was not legit, I had a pretty good feeling that Larry was a Fed. Why was the”owner” suddenly interested in surfing the net when he could get out of the car and double-press me for sales, which they seemed completely uninterested in. Larry was interested in getting inside my home while the “Owner” was probably cracking my home network and pulling data off my phone.

Its what I would do if I were going to “discreetly” investigate a potential “Threat.”

The humor in the whole event lies inside the Lies. From the first moment nothing about these two or their “sales” attempt made sense. Usually when something does not make sense, if I simply sit back and observe the situation, it will. In this case the only thing that made sense was that these two brain-dead sheep shaggers were Federal Law Enforcement…again, it was the attitude, the behavior, and the adherence to Standard Operating Procedure that tipped me off.

I Love Irony

This event does not upset me…too much. The fact that my First Amendment Right constitutes a Federal Investigation does, but overall it is the ineptitude of the state and it’s cronies that truly makes me laugh. We are supposed to tremble in Terror of the Incredible Power of the Mighty Federal government…yet they can’t even go “undercover” to the home of a hobbyist writer without bungling the job. They are not all-powerful. They can be outsmarted rather easily. They can be defeated.

They WILL be defeated!

-Prometheus Unchained







One Comment

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